An inhospitable environement

I don’t know where to begin. Thoughts flow in a disoriented sort of way. Making it difficult to form them. Arrange them. Extract meaning out of them. Or its just probably because I’m in half a daze. My mind focusing in and out of clarity.

The only thought I manage to gauge from this whole mess is that I don’t fit in here. I can’t believe I’ve never realized that before. I guess I was just content in my own sphere of reality that I didn’t realize I was indeed in a sphere. And that this sphere was suspended in a universe which I always knew existed, but of whose true nature remained alien to me.

Until now of course.

Now, the bubble has broken. And instantly, I am thrown headlong into a space unknown and known at the same time. The matter, I’m familiar with. Its something that has seeped in the innermost me. But it’s the unfamiliarity of the environment in which it breeds that shook me. The environment towards which, it seems, I’m the only one who’s not adapted. Or might I say, refuses to make an effort to be adapted.

Its difficult to explain what I was going through at that time. What I am at this instant. Suddenly I felt like I didn’t belong here. I had a whole definition of what it meant to be a musician. To be a rocker. But this! This was like knowing to swim, but not able to because you are in the dead sea or in the middle of a stormed ocean. The matter didn’t change. The environment did. And this minute tilt turned everything upside down.

How am I supposed to enjoy music if the air in which it is being produced is polluted every single minute by a fag or a joint? I mean, what is the principal interest here? Music or Dope? Can these two words exclude each other anymore? Before my passage into this smoke filled cube, the thought of this bizarre question would never even have occurred to me.

But now, it makes me wonder. Makes me question the motives behind the decision of young kids to play music. Seeing a 16 year old smoke a joint is not funny you know. It made my head explode with anger. Not that I was unaware that these things do happen. I always knew that rockers were as synonymous to dope as fish to water. But I guess reality really hits you dead on when you experience it yourself. It doesn’t store it like a piece of information, but transforms it into an experience which makes a greater impact.

That is exactly what hit me today. The full blow of the knowledge of dopers and smokers around music turned into an experience. And it was not pleasant. The only black pawn surrounded by millions of white ones. Questions sprung in my head. Why am I the only one who’s having difficulty in tuning myself in to this environment? Does it make me any less of a rocker if I don’t smoke a joint? Because believe you me, these kids doing drugs are one heck of musicians. Talented even. But equally disgusting. And just cause breathing in this room is potentially endangering my life and making me uncomfortable does not mean that I should be kept from what I love to do.

And then again, there are rockers who are clean. Who jam just for the love of jamming. I know that is like a drop in the ocean. But I know them. I am a part of them. And I don’t need to get used to things I don’t want to get used to. They somehow restore my belief that music created by a daze-free, drug-free head can also de darned good! And I’m lucky enough to belong to the bunch. The majority can do what they feel correct. It really is none of my business. As in the end, it all comes down to one tiny, powerful word. Music!

The Obscure Hope..

And she stood there. Firm fingers clutching the door that she would soon be closing and locking and bolting, this time forever. The same door that she had programmed herself never to open. The same door, that despite herself, she had let open. The very door that had poured light into her obscure room for an instant. An instant that would probably last her an eternity. That she would make her last for an eternity.

Like a slice of life that she always dreamed of was squeezed in for a moment between all of the rotten past and the future to come. She got the taste of what it would be like. It still lingered there.. would probably forever. Years later she would remember what it tasted like. The bitter-sweet pungent flavor would be as fresh as it is today.

And yet there she stood. Watching the light, that had found and illuminated every darkest corner , moving away from her.. a speck of bright sparkling Hope fading away into nothingness.. into bitter Disappointment.

So there she stood. Swallowed by the darkness that overwhelmed her. A black velvet sheet of Disappointment enveloped her. Gazing into the far end of the road where the light had turned a corner. Probably to never take a detour.

But still she stood. Grounded to the spot. Unable to slam the door shut. Unable to retreat into the practical, rational world that she had painstakingly fashioned for herself. A world that left no room for the glow of Hope. That had shut all its doors to it.

But the imprint that the bright retreating beam left behind her eyes rooted her. It felt like an illusion to the one thing she had not taken resort to. Hope. The one thing that, for her represented nothing but trouble. She preferred to not hope. It just made life easier. And now she understood why. ‘the gloom that encases me seems so much more dense than before that wretched light pierced my world’ she thought.

And with all the effort that she could muster, she banged the door shut. Leaving no trace of what had come and gone. Leaving no further room for access. ‘I’ll get used to this obscurity again’ she thought. ‘it’ll seem less dark tomorrow’ she believed. She’d been there before. Done that. But she was done with Hope. No more of it for her. A new page was turned. A page that had no room for the group of letters that deformed her life for an instant.

Hence, there she stood. And in the obscure darkness, she felt her lips twitch into a well deserved smile.

Life from Death..

What must he be thinking? Feeling? Would he still be hurting inside? Is he even still alive or did his inner being die with the attempted suicide?

We would never know. At least I wouldn’t. I, who stands in front of this middle aged, balding man, who looks absolutely worn out, but somehow still manages a slight smile and a hand shake. But what lies beneath this ambiguous twitch of the lips is what left me pondering.

Il felt surreal to be sharing space with someone who had no desire left to occupy any space, however negligible be it, with the living world and with someone who had sought solace and escape in the cold arms of death.

I felt uncomfortable, as I always do every time I find myself incapable of contemplating my behavior in a situation. Should I be comforting? Melancholic? Glad? Relieved? How should I face someone who, at one point or maybe even at this instant, was so vulnerable that he had to be pulled back and made to live a life that he intended to end?

Questions!! A torrent of unanswered questions! How I wish I knew what he was feeling! Or, is he feeling anything at all? Is he still capable of feeling like I do? Would he ever be? His life altering decision separated him from the rest of the world. Isolating him in a corner where it would be difficult to reach out to him. Understand him. Relate to him. In a world where immortality is celebrated, welcomed, desired greatly, there exists a survivor. A survivor who preferred death over prolonged Existence.

Majority would have difficulty in comprehending. But I can understand. I can empathize. Sometimes, death does seem more of a better option.

However I somehow hope that he would be glad one day that he survived. Survived an ordeal that he chose, that he put himself through. And yet again, what if he never does? what if, even after attempting to live through this new life, he regrets that he was never re-born again? What if he still prefers Death over this meaningless hell hole?

For his sake, and partly for mine [ as this concerns me as well, to a certain extent ] I hope he finds a reason to live again. However superficial it may be, I hope he finds something to hold on to. I hope somewhere in that Pandora’s Box, he would be able to unearth a small tiny fragment of Hope.

Les Mots..

Pouvoir trouver les mots

Pour exprimer,

Exprimer ce qui ne peut jamais

Être exprimé

Avec le seul soutien des mots

Les mots,

Qui soient aussi insuffisants

Insuffisants en Soi,

Incompletes, Incapables, Faibles

Faibles mots utilisés,

Inutile pour communiquer la Puissante Émotion

La Puissance dÉmotion

Que moi,

Je ressens en Moi

Que j’essaie

Que je me pousse à exprimer

Exprimer ce qui, je sais, ne peut toujours être exprimé.

Its All About The Results. Or Is It?

Since the 10th results get out today, it just takes me to the time when I was in that place so many years ago... At that time, it seemed so damned important that I do well... But over the years I've come to realise that it actually doesn't matter that much. For some, sure it does. But for people like me [who have quite the average intelligence quotient], not that much. ;) Just because you didn’t score 98% does not mean that you can’ make a living or have a respectable life ahead of you. It doesn’t mean that your life is going to be a total waste [as we are made to believe].

I realise now, that it was for the better that I was not a merit ranker [it’s not nothing to do with the 'sour grapes' here, honestly ;)] but seriously, if I would really have scored 90%, I would not have had the beautiful life I have today. Not that it would make much of a difference, because I still think I would have done anything but science. Cause apparently, if you have a good percentage, its understood and absolutely obligatory that you pick science to the others, as the other branches are still considered, by majority, as inferior. If you want to have a good life, pick science! That’s the general rule. No profession other than doctor or engineer is considered noble! Evidently nothing can earn you as much money as the two. What bullshit!

After my results came out, I recall like it happened only yesterday, people asked me, ‘why didn’t you take science beta? Why commerce? What are you going to do taking commerce? They spoke like my life was a living hell now that I’ve plunged into commerce!

My parents are both doctors. But I’m not. I don’t ever want to be. In fact, I have ventured into everything, but science. I got my graduate degree in commerce and now my PG in French Lit! And honestly speaking its not that bad! It’s got nothing to do with doctors in general, no offence please! It’s just that, it’s not what I want to do. It’s not my cup of tea. And by cup of tea I don’t want to say that I don’t have the required intelligence for something like that. I might, I don’t know. I seriously have not exploited my brain power in that arena before. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to waste my energy in something that doesn’t interest me. Why should I? Just cause the society expects me to? Well, that’s not a good enough reason to be honest. I might as well put my intelligence to test in something that interests me. Something that would not just be my bread and butter, but my passion too. Something that brings back not just money, but happiness and satisfaction. Now that’s what I call a career. And I think I’m one of the lucky few who have found her passion in her career. I know people who might as well abandon everything they are doing to pursue what they really want to do. And then there are some who want to do something else but are pushed by society to go in a different direction. Why let others decide what you want to do with your life? Why let them define your likes and dislikes?

The only way that you can be happy is doing something your way. Don’t be a doctor or an engineer because the society says so. Find your own passion. Pursue it. Achieve it.

Larger than Life..

She quivered as she entered the extraordinarily brilliantly lit lobby. A stranger to such an ambiance. A stranger to the life lead within. Simply put, a stranger.

The revolving doors, the comfortably cushioned futons, the superbly accessorized and polished furnishings bouncing back the light of the chandelier. Mesmerizing! The surroundings called out to her. Pleading her to be a lady. Did she feel like a lady though? Even if she didn’t a fraction of minute back, before stepping in, she definitely did now. The instant effect that the grandiose had on her was shocking. I could belong here, she thought. And instantly realized how strange a thought that was!

Yes she had plunged in a foreign language and had decided to do so even in the future. The need to visit places like these would certainly arrive even later as they had in the past. But to BELONG and BE what these places expected her to be was not, according to her, remotely possible.

As she proceeded through the walls of a palace, each step she took, distanced her from the world that she belonged to and pushed her right into an unknown piece of land which could not be more different than from where she hailed. And yet, the sense of foreboding disappeared. The fact that she felt wrong-footed right at the onset, evaporated with each further step into the heart of this fairyland.

And then it hit her! This was nothing but a feeling of familiarity. The fact that she was comfortable in a place like this without having any prior knowledge of how one is expected to behave. She didn’t belong here, neither would she ever. She was comfortable in tuning herself to the behavior that the décor expected. That was all. Nothing more. That is where she drew the line. She had no desire to actually be a part of the life lead within these walls. No, not at all!

Cause even the luxurious setting could not mask the sad state that the endroit found itself in. Yes, one could find here everything that money can possibly buy. But the more important things in life would be very hard to track down.

The look that the manager of the ‘business centre’ cast on her said it all. The disdain. The disgust. The ‘I-don’t- think-you-belong-here’ look brought her back to reality. It defined the mere character of every person in the heart of this place.

She felt lucky. Lucky enough to share a few well cherished moments rather than regret being a total part of such a hollow life. Its better sometimes that we do not have everything we ask for. It makes us realize that what we are missing, is not even worth being waited for. She knew quite well that the life beyond the doors of this palace was much more difficult, but was equally precious. Equally cherished. Equally required to appreciate the better things. Once one has lived the worse, one is trained to overcome the worst. And that is what life is about. To go beyond and surpass our own expectations. To achieve new heights. And this can surely not be done if we are always looked after. No, we need to be out there. Fight it ourselves. The only way to appreciate what we have and also what we don’t.

NOTHING, EVERYTHING, SOMETHING

So I’m sitting in a café doing nothing that would even border on extraordinary. Jus sitting, talking, drinking the same old coffee that I do for 2 years now! Nothing out of the ordinary, but little did I know that the conversation would take a turn into something that I would think about a lot in the hours to come.

A friend talking about The most basic concepts of life. Nothing, Everything and Something. Well hey! These must probably be the words that we utter the most during a day, during our entire lifetime. But do we really understand the real significance of them?? Do we realize that the whole world, the whole humanity rests upon their shoulders?? That the whole world incidentally constitutes and incarnates these three massive words.

Think of a man on the road. A beggar. An outcast. If you look at him, the first thought that would come to your mind would be that he has nothing. He is defined because he has nothing, according to the person who watches him. But does he really? If you ask him, he might actually have something else to say. He might not have any material possessions, but doesn’t his possession of a will to live in all the difficulties count? Doesn’t that make him a possessor of something? According to me it does. He would do and say everything except believe that he has Nothing. Its human tendency. In a situation where all might superficially be lost, one holds on to the last thread of hope and refuses to accept that all is lost. So does the perception of the person observing him count or does the perception of the beggar in itself?

Now lets move on to Everything. A stark opposite to Nothing. A complete negation of Nothing would be called Everything. Today we sit here, looking at all the famous and prosperous people in the entire world, coming to a conclusion that they have Everything! Maybe they do. I wouldn’t know. I can’t speak for them, as I, unfortunately, or I daresay, fortunately, do not belong to this group. A person having all the money in the world need not necessarily have Everything. He does possess everything money can buy. But what about those things that are not tangible?? There might be an absence of intangible treasures that would reduce his life to nothingness. In spite of having Everything, he would have Nothing. Albert Camus, a famous writer of the 20th century once said that he was nostalgic of his life at the time when he was poor. Why would that be, one asks oneself? It is simple of course. He, who had seen and lived in both, the world of misery and the world of complete luxury can say better of what differentiates the world of the assumed ‘Nothing’ and that of the assumed ‘Everything’. So basically, the concepts of Nothing and Everything are interchangeable and in spite of being apparently contradictory, can co-exist.

Moving on to Something. This should be easy I guess. Considering the beggar again. Well he does not have everything, neither does he have nothing. And thus, he does finally have Something. Just like the wealthy and seemingly prosperous, have only a Something and not a Everything. Everybody possesses something. Be it a condo in the most expensive area, or a second hand car, or the love of their life or just the simple will to live. ‘Nothing’, ‘Everything’ and ‘Something ‘need not always be measured by material possessions. They do have a metaphysical dimension. So if we consider every man, and that of course means woman included, we can easily conclude that Nobody has Nothing and Everything, but everybody has Something.

So now we know that man in any kind of situation finds himself with Something. So now how would you elaborate ‘Nothing + Everything = Something’? it is clear that in a situation of Nothingness and Completeness, where the two concepts co-exist, there is always a Something that resides within. Each and every person has their own definition of Nothing, Something and Everything. Reality is Perception. However varied they might be, it always comes down to the fact that in the desire to get rid of ‘Nothing’ and to achieve ‘Everything’, we always, at the end of the tunnel, find only ‘Something’.

I Cannot Write..!!!

“NO! Will you stop having the same old argument again and again??? Just give it a rest OK?? You can’t! You can’t write like the others! And you just will never be able to…!! Its not what you were born with. You may enjoy reading à la folie, but you know very well that you cannot, in any way, be ‘a writer’... “

“It’s just so difficult to accept it sometimes. Especially now, that I have taken a whole hearted plunge in Literature. I just find it so impossible to believe that I don’t have The Gift! All around me, there are these amazing write- ups that I read..! It makes me ache!! Not out of jealousy, but out of this unmistakable need to find an outlet to let out all that’s been assimilated in my head! These past six months have been the most intellectually stimulating months of my entire life! I have never ever pondered so much on so many varied happenings, not only in the world, history and current situations included, but even in the deepest corners of the mind that I never thought I’d venture into. And what a journey it has been! So much to write about! So much to share! I mean, seriously, if you see the radical change in my Facebook status in the last couple of months you’ll know what I’m talking about! I know! I know! It’s really pathetic that I should depend on Facebook to find an outlet... I admit it... mais que faire?! I didn’t really see an option... Well, honestly, not that I considered or even looked consciously for any options. But I’ve learnt not to trust my conscious self too much... For all I know, I’ve been getting these itches, nudging you could say, from the corners of my mind that prod me, whispering ‘you can if you want to... You just need a little motivation! Just a little nudge!’ Well now what do I say to that!?! Should I not listen to this inner voice that calls out to me?? Should I just let it go??? Never pay heed to it?? Never even try to uncover this gift, or whatever you might call it?? Somehow, somewhere, I feel, I sense that I can write! I can physically feel this mountain of words and sentences and pages and pages buried deep inside me that are dying to get out! This rush, this itch, this nudge... so what should I do with it?? Ignore it?? That would be like‘la mauvaise foi’ [and for the record, I seriously do not know what it’s called in English. I’m not trying to brag or anything. Honest!] It’s just been a longtime that I have been arguing with myself... well, not really myself, my heart and my mind are, with each other... I’m just a vessel that holds them in me. They have completely different voices! It’s unbelievable that a person might be a host to two completely opposite, contradictory and pole apart opinions and views! I guess that’s not just my case; it’s universal. There exist ‘two Me ‘in everyone: The one that seems to be the real one [to yourself and hence, to others] and The Real One….. For all you know, I’ve just managed to unmask one side of my Real Self. I guess I’ve just written a whole page... have I not?? I listened to the inner voice, to a tiny fragment of The Real Me that was dying to be discovered by the only person who could do it justice: Me. Wow..! I can’t believe this..! It’s finally come flooding out, like I knew it would... One day..! It’s weird; this post makes me think of that song, ‘Gaana mere bas ki baat nahi’... It is synonymous to that, is it not??? J Phew!!!!