What must he be thinking? Feeling? Would he still be hurting inside? Is he even still alive or did his inner being die with the attempted suicide?
We would never know. At least I wouldn’t. I, who stands in front of this middle aged, balding man, who looks absolutely worn out, but somehow still manages a slight smile and a hand shake. But what lies beneath this ambiguous twitch of the lips is what left me pondering.
Il felt surreal to be sharing space with someone who had no desire left to occupy any space, however negligible be it, with the living world and with someone who had sought solace and escape in the cold arms of death.
I felt uncomfortable, as I always do every time I find myself incapable of contemplating my behavior in a situation. Should I be comforting? Melancholic? Glad? Relieved? How should I face someone who, at one point or maybe even at this instant, was so vulnerable that he had to be pulled back and made to live a life that he intended to end?
Questions!! A torrent of unanswered questions! How I wish I knew what he was feeling! Or, is he feeling anything at all? Is he still capable of feeling like I do? Would he ever be? His life altering decision separated him from the rest of the world. Isolating him in a corner where it would be difficult to reach out to him. Understand him. Relate to him. In a world where immortality is celebrated, welcomed, desired greatly, there exists a survivor. A survivor who preferred death over prolonged Existence.
Majority would have difficulty in comprehending. But I can understand. I can empathize. Sometimes, death does seem more of a better option.
However I somehow hope that he would be glad one day that he survived. Survived an ordeal that he chose, that he put himself through. And yet again, what if he never does? what if, even after attempting to live through this new life, he regrets that he was never re-born again? What if he still prefers Death over this meaningless hell hole?
For his sake, and partly for mine [ as this concerns me as well, to a certain extent ] I hope he finds a reason to live again. However superficial it may be, I hope he finds something to hold on to. I hope somewhere in that Pandora’s Box, he would be able to unearth a small tiny fragment of Hope.
